You’ll have magical experiences and stories to tell for a lifetime
Let’s have a bit of comic relief – let’s drop in on the “Secular Policy Institute” again. I’d forgotten about them…I think I’d vaguely assumed they’d gone to ground after that embarrassing thing where they announced a fancy expensive conference in DC that then apparently never took place. But no, they’re still there and still engaged in empty boasting. Look at the page where they attempt to recruit interns.
Say what? Any organization in the world? Just like that? How would that work exactly? How would interning for a self-styled “institute” that doesn’t actually do anything other than brag about itself provide “the insider shortcut” to your dream job? At [your pick of] any organization in the world?
Well Johnny Monsarrat explains that for you – yes, the Johnny Monsarrat who promoted the Secular Policy “Institute” by emailing people about it and then shouting abusively at them when they didn’t respond with awed enthusiasm.
I’m Johnny Monsarrat, and I was once an intern for Edwina Rogers. Now I’m her Alliance Director at the Secular Policy Institute and run the volunteer and intern programs too.
Just my interview with Edwina two years ago changed my life. I had just flown into Washington DC. Edwina met me at her office but was on her way out to a meeting. Could I come along? Then we could talk after.
Sure, okay, I said. We arrived at an office building, and in the elevator up, she said, “Just watch Grover and how he conducts the meeting. You’ll learn something.”
Grover, I thought… Grover Norquist? The American tax reform heavyweight? This wasn’t just any meeting. Edwina had nonchalantly brought me to the super exclusive weekly insider coordinating meeting of Washington DC’s top Republicans. I felt like James Bond infiltrating a secret society. Amongst 40 of the most famous political operators in town, I was the only liberal, the only guy with long hair, and the only guy wearing blue jeans. And there were donuts.
Working with the Secular Policy Institute is like being bolted into a roller coaster that is duct taped to a Moon rocket, heading for Fame, Glory, and Power. You will have the experience of your life working with us.
Fame, Glory, and Power? Capital letter Fame, Glory, and Power?
How? Where? By what mechanism?
There’s this whole middle thing missing in their work, always. It’s the row of question marks in that meme, the one that ends with “Profit!”
- Secular Policy Institute
- ???????
- Fame, Glory, and Power!!!
They really need to work on that second item.
The Secular Policy Institute is the organization with the philosophy, momentum, and executive power to make a genuine difference. We are more successful than other secular groups because:
Waaaaait wait wait wait – before you tell us why, tell us in what way you are more successful than other secular groups. Or in fact if that’s too high a bar, just tell us in what way you are successful at all.
So, the because:
- We are true professionals. Unlike many secular groups, we don’t want to settle for amateur anything. We emulate best practices of major organizations like the AARP, NRA, CATO Institute, Heritage Foundation, and American Cancer Society.
No, I don’t believe that at all. I think you’re quite amazingly amateurish. All this empty boasting looks extremely amateurish to me. Admittedly, I’m not a professional institute-haver myself, but as an outsider, I look at your boasting and the word “professional” is not what springs to mind.
- We are focused. Unlike many secular groups, we aren’t vague about our plans. We take on giant, world-changing projects that inspire donors and volunteers, such as promoting an Indian rationalist’s guide to Hindu scripture and raising money for the world’s first atheist orphanage in Uganda.
No, I don’t believe that either. What happened about that conference, if you’re so focused? I could never find a word about it after the date when it was supposed to take place. You promoted it when you had only two speakers lined up, and then you went quiet about it. That’s not focus. And those two projects sound fine but other secular groups do that kind of thing too, and when they talk about it, they talk about the projects themselves, they don’t brag about the projects simply as advertisements for the groups.
- We are thought leaders. We are the world’s biggest secular think tank with Fellows and Advocates including Richard Dawkins*, Steven Pinker*, Lawrence Krauss*, and so many more.
Ah still doing that, are you. No, you’re not, and it’s not a thing you should be saying anyway. It’s hierarchical and revolting. Also, if you’re going to be talking about your Fellows, you should be talking about the many Fellows who left your “Institute” last year. Updating to add: including Richard Dawkins, Steven Pinker, and Lawrence Krauss. The ones you are still claiming as part of your world’s biggest think tank. The group of big names (also including Rebecca Goldstein and Daniel Dennett) left last June. It’s now April. I have to say it: I don’t think this is carelessness, I think you’re lying. I think you’re knowingly telling the blatant lie that people who left your “institute” ten months ago are still part of it.
- We organize everyone. We are the world’s biggest secular coalition. Like the Bill Gates Foundation, we talent scout the best projects from our coalition groups and maximize their impact with management coaching, funding, promotion, access to our Fellows, and our contacts in media and government worldwide.
No, you don’t. You know how I know? You don’t organize me! Black swan! Of course you don’t “organize everyone” – what a ludicrous claim. That’s more of that amateurishness: making grotesquely inflated claims that are obviously false.
Then there’s a lot more nonsense about what you get by working for them for nothing – including this jaw-dropper:
- Keys to the World. Success should be about who you are, not who you know. But it doesn’t hurt to have the hair-raisingly large network of Secular Policy Institute connections on your side. If you give us your time, we will put you in front of any VIP decision-maker in the world for your next job. You will have more than our recommendation. You will have a game-changing, almost unfair advantage over every other applicant. We will make you a star because we believe strongly in meritocracy and investing in people. But we also know the power of having friends in high places — and we want you to go high and be one of those friends!
Can you believe it? They claim they will “put you in front of any VIP decision-maker in the world for your next job”!! Really?!! Heads of state, CEOs, diplomats, the pope, the top people at universities, NGOs, the UN, hospitals, research labs? What complete barefaced nonsense! And then the scummy creepy power-worship and fame-crawling and high places-ogling.
- Steer the Secular Movement. The Secular Policy Institute is unlocking the potential of dozens of interest groups that just need a boost, some direction, some funding, or some management training. Together we are building a heavy impact. Your voice will be heard by the most important leaders of our cause. You will set the agenda. You become the kingmaker. Help us decide which groups deserve our full attention and resources. Help us shape the shared set of goals that our coalition is based on.
Right. As an intern. As an intern, your voice will be heard by the most important leaders of our cause. You will set the agenda. You become the kingmaker.
*snort*
- Adventure. Go backstage at one of our world class events and meet the celebrities. Join us meeting politicians and presenting your plan for legal reform. It’s the adventure of a lifetime. Don’t discount the serendipity of working long hard hours with idealistic yet practical people. You’ll have magical experiences and stories to tell for a lifetime.
Oh for fuck’s sake. They’re not celebrities. They’re academics and intellectuals, who are never celebrities. Some of them have some celebrity among secularist intellectuals, but that’s all you can say. And you don’t need to spend months working for a pretend-institute just to meet them; it’s not that difficult. And there is no “backstage.” It’s not Hollywood and it’s not Broadway; there is no backstage.
As part of our intern program, you don’t start at the basement. You immediately become one of our executives. You sit next to Edwina and send out emails in her name…
Ooooooooooooh now there’s a treat! Do we get to wrap her presents in dollar bills?
Lordy. What a shower.
*Updating to add: And that’s not even true: the three named are not among the Fellows any more, nor are they among the Advocates or on the Advisory Board.
Interesting choices (other than the AARP). Three right-wing/libertarian organizations, and a cancer charity that spends most of its budget on fundraising and “promoting awareness” rather than actually fighting cancer.
That too. Edwina Rogers of course is right-wing, and used to be a right-wing lobbyist. All this bullshittery must originate with her. What a joke she is.
I understand that you have to appeal to self-interest a little bit when you’re recruiting free labor, but it’s a little gross how much of it revolves around self-aggrandizement. Even when they actually get around to talking about the actual cause they’re supposedly working for, it’s all phrased in terms of how YOU will be the one LEADING and being a KINGMAKER. YOU, YOU, YOU GLORIOUS YOU! SHOWING THE PEASANTS HOW IT’S DONE!!!!
Johnny Monsarrat’s statement, and other parts of this, remind me of the people who speak in Scientology videos (which, by the way, are a hoot and a gas).
Grover Norquist is a selling point? A man is so clueless he thinks he can get politicians to go along with his tax plan after signing a non-binding, non-legal contract. I might stay for the doughnuts. Never mind. I would just take one with me. And if Johnny brown nose was ever a liberal I’d eat my shorts. No liberal would think Norquist is a “tax heavyweight.”
Karmacat,
I think you’re way off the mark here. Like him or not, Norquist has been tremendously effective at what he does. Republican officeholders are generally terrified of violating the pledge, to the point where some legislative measures that aren’t even tax increases (but could creatively be argued to have been such) have only been passed once Pope Grover agreed not to score them as being tax increases.
Some people believe that his influence is on the wane, and it probably is at least in the sense that all establishment Republican figures are losing control over their party. But it’s been a pretty good run for him so far, I’d say.
Always be closing. Especially when you are trying to sell being in sales.
Not just any old shower, but a golden shower…
They need Martin Shkreli on their board. He would totally confer legitimacy.
@clamboy #4
Agreed, on both points. Scientology’s recruiting video could have been shot by Leni Riefenstahl, but even she woulda toned down the hyperbole.
(Am I correct inferring that your nym is a Scientology reference?)
@ Lady Mondegreen #10 –
Your guess about my ‘nym is understandable, but its origin is a little more obscure. I grew up in a seaside town known for its clams. Upon hearing the name of the town, a friend of mine said, “Oh, I know that place! That’s where they have all the clams! I shall call you clamboy from now on!” The ‘nym has been with me ever since.
Meanwhile, please allow me to heap kudos upon your image. I have always wanted to be a Doubtful Guest.
@ 11 clamboy
I can relate. Mine’s understandably assumed to be a movie reference. In fact I was nicknamed Silent Bob at school from the age of about 13 because of my shyness (my real name’s Robert). I used it as a logon to the primitive computer system at university circa 1983, and I’ve been using it as my default logon/username ever since.
I was actually quite miffed when I learned that Kevin Smith had given my name to some dopey stoner character in 1994. :-)
How embarrassing.
I get a very ‘Donald Trump’ vibe from Edwina:
“We are the best in doing projects. We choose the best, and we get the best results. No one does projects like us.”
Christ, this one hardly needs modification at all, it is already Trumpified. The grammar and syntax might be a little ahead of his, but every other element is perfect.
On the other hand, anyone who thinks my name is a nod to a literary character is absolutely right and wins a free cup of cocoa at the watch house steps.
Promising a magical experience in a secular institute? Are Penn and Teller Fellows?
@ 13 Josh Spokes
Meh.
… Oh sorry, I thought you were talking to me then realised that’s not necessarily the case.
As regards SPI, I find them sort of equal parts hilarious and sickening.
@14: exactly it, this pitch is essentially the pitch for Trump University. I don’t understand how anyone can write this stuff. It’s like a Voight-Kampf test – the people who write this, or read it without shying away in incredulous disgust, seem to lack human empathy. Gaaaah.
Well that could mean standing in the street with a collection tin. So I looked at their Big Giant Projects page. It’s mostly…. some meetings. But they also noted that they
So I looked at that, too. It’s a short list of links to a few books and papers written by other people. I couldn’t bear to look any more.
BTW: When I said that the books on their list were written by ‘other people’ I should have aid that most of them were written by Victor Stenger.
This is apropos of nothing in the post or the comments. I just wanted to tell you the origin of that “???? Profit!” meme, because I also didn’t know, mostly found them very funny, and didn’t really know how to find out where they came from. The meme originated from an episode of South Park. In it, some gnomes decided to start a corporation. The “???? Profit!” steps are their business plan, which goes like this: 1. Collect underpants. 2. ?????. 3. Profit! If you search for “underpants gnomes” on youtube you can watch the segment — it’s short and hilarious — especially as it explains the business plan of Secular Policy Institute.
Going by the headline I thought this was going to be an article about Hogwarts……
latsot @20, if they subtract Stenger and Pinker they could compete for the world’s least comprehensive list of secular books. Even with Stenger and Pinker I believe my own library of secular books has theirs beat.
So let’s sum up: The organization lists 20 papers, 20 surveys (I wonder if there’s a page limit), a newsletter (which is a bit of an embarrassment for the organization it touts itself to be), a blog (I already mentioned embarrassing, right?), nine press items, a calendar (with few actual dates), and a page with a lot of state and country links that all appear to link to the same (useless) page.
On a scale of zero to world’s most comprehensive list of secular resources, I would give it a, well, I already mentioned embarrassing, right?
Holms @ 14 – ahh of course, the Donald Trump vibe. I was rebuking myself for not thinking of that and then remembered that it’s because I ignore him as much as possible. But yeah. Edwina is just as risible in just the same way.
Y’all are making me laugh myself breathless all over again.
Oh god. I was already out of laugh-breath and then (following latsot’s adventure) I clicked on the projects page.
But but but but you said “We take on giant, world-changing projects that inspire donors and volunteers”!! I didn’t make that up!!!
How on earth did Edwina Rogers get a toehold in ANY secular organization?
And what person with opposable thumbs is going to be charmed by allusions to Grover Norquist? Tax anarchist and Islamist apologist. Boy, there’s two positions that just resonate through secularism…
(Not to suggest that even SHE deserves to have Shermer draped over her shoulder)
It’s telling that they aspire to celebrity status. Some celebrities are famous for being famous: that’s the sort of celebrity they would be.