The idea that they are owed something
There was a conversation on violence against women (“domestic abuse”) on Fresh Air yesterday. The subjects were Rachel Louise Snyder, author of No Visible Bruises, and Suzanne Dubus, CEO of the Jeanne Geiger Crisis Center. Guess what: narcissism came into it.
GROSS: I want to bring up narcissism because, Rachel, you mentioned narcissism as being one of the characteristics that a lot of abusers and murderers have. How does narcissism figure into domestic violence?
SNYDER: Narcissism is one of the key components of an abuser. You know, we have, I think, a vision of what an abuser is. Right? Even in – even when you see media reports of domestic violence, the pictures of – that most often accompany those media reports are really dark. You know, even, like, the coloration – they’re, like, gloomy, dark, dangerous; they’re portentous. And people don’t recognize themselves in those pictures because, of course, they have a much larger context of just a single moment.
And so abusers, in fact, are not people with anger problems, generally speaking. They are about power and control over one person or the people in their family. So they tend to be very – they’re often very gregarious. Only about a quarter of the abusers fit that stereotypical definition of someone who is, you know, generally angry. And so the narcissism plays out in the idea that they are owed something – in the idea that they are entitled to their authority, that their partners have to be subservient to them. There’s very often traditional gender dynamics in abusive relationships.
It’s the same thing, really – entitlement and “traditional gender dynamics” that cash out as “I, the man, get whatever I want.” That crap brings narcissism with it.
GROSS: I guess the narcissism probably figures into the coercive control part of the relationship? The wife and the children – these are people who the man can control or thinks he can control, tries to control. He can’t control the world around him, but he can control them. And it seems like that would be – that that would fit a narcissistic personality who wants the world to just revolve around him.
DUBUS: In our works with survivors, we also notice that abusers typically really do feel like their home is their castle and that everything must be adjusted and retrofitted and – to his whim, to his mood, to his needs. And there is, you know, quick and rapid punishment when it’s not. And to me, that is narcissism, when the world revolves around you and everybody better get into their constellation and do what they need to do to support, to prop up, to make him feel better – whatever it is he needs that day.
SNYDER: Yeah. It’s very black-and-white thinking. Right? Like, it’s my way, and this is it.
Very black-and-white and very very very selfish. This idea that you are the sun and everyone else is a mere planet – it’s poison.
So glad to know this. It drives me crazy how people don’t understand the connection between the Cluster B personality disorders and abusers. They are one and the same. Period. There is no such thing as “an abusive husband but who’s normal-range mentally.” And no, “anxiety” and “depression” are not what make men violent.
If we would only join up these dots as a society we’d realize we *can* predict the kind of people who pose a serious risk to their children, their wives, their co-workers, and these days, to anyone who happens to be at their wife’s place of work and gets in the way of their gun.
They cannot be reformed. There is *no such thing as treating* Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and in most cases, the same is true of Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD is under-recognized in men because of its false association with being a “woman’s temperament problem.” BPD expression in men is often violent.
I was talking recently to a friend who has just left her long term partner because of domestic abuse, partly coercive and partly violent. Her abuser fits this description exactly. My friend moved jobs and across the country to be with her, got a new job she hated at first (and now enjoys) but after a few months her partner decided to move back again and insisted my friend go with her and move jobs again (she refused). That is when the abuse started to seriously intensify and my friend’s abuser used many of the phrases mentioned above.
I’m glad she’s out of it, I’m ashamed that I had no idea that it was going on and so did nothing to help.
Latsot, almost all of us miss the signs, at least for a while. Those of us who have lived through domestic abuse miss the signs, too. Don’t feel too badly; I think it’s better to take heart in knowing what you know now, and knowing you’re in a better position to help the next time it comes up.
Thanks, Josh. I don’t feel guilty that I missed it (for about two years!) so much as angry at myself for being such a self-absorbed arsehole. Christ, what else am I missing that’s important to my friends?
Let’s hope you’re right and I can do better. And I’m glad that while it’s awful that you had to live through it, at least you lived through it.
And for some of us, no one ever sees. And when we finally escape the abuse, they keep trying to push us back. Oh, but family is ssssoooo important, you need to patch up. Oh, you don’t want to die with that attitude, do you?
Hell, yes, I do.
Just so, iknklast. I intend to live the rest of my life in peace, without the predation of personality disordered parents or lovers. Any family members who can’t understand that also get the no-contact treatment. My life is a 100-percent no-toxic-bullshit zone. 40 years was enough. I won’t join them in a living death.