Just disperse, bro
A tweet by Ex-Muslims of North America inspired me to seek out the Quran Verse 53. It’s very amusing.
O you who believe, do not enter the houses of the Prophet, unless you are permitted for a meal, not (so early as) to wait for its preparation. But when you are invited, go inside. Then, once you have had the meal, just disperse, and (do) not (sit for long) being keen for a chat.
Heeheeheehee it’s so pious, so spiritual, so disinterested. Listen, guys, don’t keep showing up at my place hoping I’ll give you some lunch, wait until you’re fucking invited. And if I do invite you don’t fucking show up early – what am I supposed to do, give you a pre-lunch lunch? Then you’d show up early waiting for that!
And when I’ve given you the fucking lunch and you’ve eaten it, then go already. Get out. I don’t have time to “chat” with you, I’m a prophet for fuck’s sake, not one of your card-playing buddies.
This (conduct of yours) hurts the Prophet, but he feels shy of (telling) you (about it), but Allah is not shy of the truth.
Yeah I’m shy, I’m a real shrinking violet, but Allah isn’t shy, motherfuckers. Get out of my house. And as for the bitches…
And when you ask any thing from them (the blessed wives of the Prophet), ask them from behind a curtain. That is better for the purity of your hearts and their hearts. It is not allowed for you that you hurt Allah’s Messenger, nor that you ever marry his wives after him. Indeed, it would be an enormity in the sight of Allah.
Those tight pussies are not for you, mofos. Not now not ever. Allahu akbar.
Makes it sound like Mo started a religion just so he could get his neighbors to stop being so damned annoying. I might try that.
“And God shall smite those who use power mowers and other two-stroke engines to smithereens. And know that God holds in contempt those who drive off-road vehicles through the suburbs, or on ecologically-fragile land. Also, God really hates it when you leave things in the sidewalk, or fail to prune your bushes that block pedestrians. And don’t get God started on fossil fuels. She didn’t bury all that biomass just so you could dig it up and release the carbon a few million years later.
“In short, the universe isn’t all about you, ok?”
Hahahaha seriously about the two-stroke engines. I would also have verse after verse on neighbors who chat with other neighbors outside AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS for hours on end.
Or those who fight with their spouse outside in the middle of the night at the top of their lungs.
Ew god, yes. At least my nabes don’t do that.
This is all good; keep it coming.
I’m thinking of adding some dietary restrictions. For example, “Pumpkin spice is anathema unto the Lord, though pumpkin pie (with a suitably flaky credit) pleaseth her.” And “Thou shalt add no flavor to thy coffee, aside from milk or cream and sugar, if though art so inclined, or perhaps a shot of whiskey or other liquor. But vanilla spice is right out.”
And when you peruse the garden of the messenger of Allah, do not meddle with the rose bushes, for he put great work into their care and would be wounded to the core should anything befall them, especially the pink rose bush. Verily, the messenger of Allah will endure this hardship stoically, as his patience is mighty, but it is not inexhaustible. He will take to peering at you from behind the curtains of his front window, murmuring imprecations about your parentage but restraining himself from shouting at you to get off his lawn.
But Allah sees all and does not shy away from punishing you when you eventually meet; especially given what you did to his vegetable patch.
And Allah also requires that you beat no women, no children, and no dogs. Every beating thou shalt administer in your earthly life shall come back to you seven fold in your eternity. And thou shalt receive no virgins.
And the Lord careth not how thou clothest thyself, nor shalt thou draw any conclusions about another’s desires to engage in carnal activity from the manner that they dress.
@WAM
When thou mixest the milk with the coffee thou has destroyethed two drinks and shall be put to death at once.
And when thou as a guest shall use the water closet exhausting the paper; yea even unto the final square, thou shall endeavor to replace the roll, or finding none apparent, inform the Prophet (PBUH) so that He shall see that it has been done prior to finding it necessary to use the Water Closet and not be inconvenienced.
Ah, the Quran…eternal, timeless, universal…and consumed with the daily whims of Mohammed.
Roj,
And on the tenth day, God created coffee, and found that it was a perfect balance of bitter, acid, and sweet (when properly roasted and prepared), and just the right pick-me-up in the morning, and declared it good. Yet verily I say unto you, I have toiled where the donuts are dunked, and I have seen all of humans’ weaknesses, and I do not lack pity on those who will adulterate their coffee with dairy products or the fruit of the cane or beet. But woe unto those hypocrites–for hypocrites they be!–who partake of the kreme-filled donuts while befouling their elixir with the sweetener that lacketh calories. For theirs will be the obesity, and the type 2 diabetes, and perhaps some increased risk of certain types of cancer.