Real men battling snakes

Jim Hightower was on the Dr Pepper FOR MEN story in 2011.

It seems that the honchos over at the Dr Pepper Snapple Group have done intensive market analysis and found that men think of diet drinks as…well, girly. So they flinch at buying them.

So of course the geniuses in charge of the vats of flavor figured out a way to make a new Dr Pepper with only 10 calories but still the same amount of manliness. It’s a miracle how they did it, but we will never know more, because it’s a secret secret secret.

The pepped-up Dr Pepper is being launched with a massive, testosterone-infused ad campaign that bluntly proclaims: “It’s not for women.”

TV ads will run on all networks during college football games, and the promos will reek of machismo, showing men — real men — in a jungle battling snakes. Also, instead of the gentle bubbles on Dr Pepper’s regular diet can, the cans of Ten are gunmetal grey — with silver bullets. Pow!

In case ladies still don’t get the point that this is a manly man’s drink, they might go to Dr Pepper Ten’s Facebook page. There, they’ll find a virtual shooting gallery that invites members of the male species to fire virtual bullets at such feminine symbols as lipstick and high heels.

Because it’s never a bad idea to encourage men to get violent toward women and their symbols. Aw hell no!

So, I take it back about the irony. They did mean it.

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