Guest post: One at a time please

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June 6, 2026

Originally a comment by Sackbut on The cuppa accords.

If Muslim homophobia is just a result of never having shared tea with a gay person, that would be even more ridiculous than being homophobic because a non-existent god spoke to a deluded ‘prophet’ back in the days when no one had indoor plumbing…or religious freedom.

Indeed. There are plenty of people, some of whom I’ve known, who make homophobic comments, or make racially insensitive statements, or express sexist views, despite having a family member or close friend or spouse who is a member of the maligned group. Certainly plenty of married men disparage women.

I think part of the issue was well captured by an old Doonsebury comic about Ronald Reagan, in which Reagan was decrying “welfare queens”. An aide described a woman in a difficult situation who needed help, and Reagan said to go find this woman and help her. The aide said it wasn’t a specific woman, but a general class of people, and Reagan went back to complaining about the “welfare queens” again.

That is, there is a difference between how people deal with one individual and how they deal with a whole class of people. It may be possible for this hypothetical Muslim man to sympathize with this one gay man over coffee/tea, but not necessarily to extend that to the general idea of gay men. The “cuppa” only goes so far.

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One response to “Guest post: One at a time please”

Artymorty

Jun 6, 2026 10:19 PM

I’ve very much lived this.

When I was a computer programmer, I had plenty of Pakistani/Bangladeshi/Indian Muslim colleagues, and this kind of individual-level tolerance-lite was par for the course. They would tolerate me, personally, one-on-one, because we had an office friendship, But always, I had to understand, and I could never forget: they were not “for” “the gays”.

A typical colleague would have a narrative like this. (This is actually a very real former colleague of mine):

I live in a great big multigenerational household in the suburbs. My grandmother lives under the same roof as me, and so do over a dozen people. My father is the head of the household and also the head of my entire family. My beautiful new bride is also my cousin, and our marriage was arranged by my father. We are a closed community. Our Imam designated our child’s name for us. Sure, I’ve had hanky-panky with the boys here and there, especially as a teen; who hasn’t? Do you want to fool around a little when no one’s looking? [Me: WTF, um… no!] But even if we do, you must understand: it won’t “count”. Because I’m solidly Against The Gays, culturally. My tribe is against it.

A wee cuppa tea seems nice, but the whole force of people’s tribal enmeshment isn’t going to be undone with a simple chat. I’ve been there, and I’ve done that. The best I got was grudging personal tolerance, noting remotely like a deep, fundamental change in allegiance.

This is tribalism we’re up against. It’s heavy stuff. Coffee klatches won’t fix it.

Guest post: One at a time please

Comments

One response to “Guest post: One at a time please”