Author: Ophelia Benson

President Obama (if that is your real name), we are real Americans, the ones who’ve patiently demanded that you release your long-form birth certificate – a demand you have apparently now met thanks to the counterfeiting skills you learned in your true birthplace of Kenya. Your clever forgery may quell the suspicions of some Americans, but not us. We’ve already swapped demands for your long-form birth certificate for demands that you show your college records. But that’s just the beginning. We demand that you show us more stuff, and that you show us now.

Here is a list of what we will need to see, at a minimum, if we are ever going to stop drawing Hitler mustaches on your pictures and shouting “Terrorist!” at your likeness on our TV sets.  Or, maybe not completely stop, but at least pause to catch our breath in between hateful, face-reddening screams.

First, we need a list of every book you read as a child, both inside and outside of school.   Did you read “Hardy Boys” books, and if so, did they teach you that the world is a mysterious, complicated place, and undermine your faith in America? Or did you reject the Hardys in favor of Nancy Drew, which may show an unhealthy belief that girls were your equals, or (although it’s much the same thing) a latent homosexuality? Did you write any comments about hating America in the margins of your books, or deface your history books by drawing a schlong in Washington’s mouth? We also need you to fork over any book reports you completed, so that we can scan them for seditious sentiments, and while we’re at it, we’ll independently review the teacher’s evaluation of your grammar and reading comprehension skills. It goes without saying that you’d better also show receipts for all books you owned, or we’ll have to assume you stole them. And while you’re at it, why don’t you explain to us how a Kenyan boy even knew what “reading” and “books” were.

We’ll also need to see all of the art projects you completed as a grammar school student. We’ll be evaluating them for form as well as content. For instance, if you didn’t color within the lines, that could be a sign of an aggrandized ambition to conquer, one the American people should know about. A preponderance of grey colors could indicate a desire to destroy white America by engaging in interracial sex on a massive, frightening scale. And will we see any disturbing images in the work from your crayon and Elmer’s glue period, Obama? Perhaps drawings of Satan giving a roundhouse kick to the face of Jesus? Or drawings of the founding fathers being eaten by a pack of hungry Muslims? You were REALLY sick if you drew that, Obama.

We want written testimony from each and every student you ever attended classes with, from kindergarten to college. Did you sit at the popular tables, or off by yourself like some kind of geek? (Note: all possible answers to this question can and will be used against you). Did you recite the Pledge of Allegiance properly, or did you whisper a few things about Allah during the middle of it? Did you fold the American flag using the traditional protocol, or did you crumple it up and shove it down the front of your pants? Did any students ever remember you having an odor, and did they have any playground rhymes about it? What if anything did you do about that odor, Obama? You should know that if you yourself reported any gaseous odors in your vicinity back then, Obama, that he who smelt it probably dealt it. You may have fooled your classmates, but you can’t fool the American people.

Also, did you go to your high school prom? If so we need to see the pictures. Were you smiling? Did your pants make your butt look big? Did you carpool in a limo, as someone who believes in global warming should, or did you rent a whole limo for you and your date, and laugh as you let several gallons of gasoline flow onto the street while you fueled it up? More importantly, was your date someone we’d consider attractive? We’re going to show her picture to the American people and let them decide if they’re happy with their president’s prom date.

Please produce all of your immunization and dental records, ASAP. A president who’d let himself get impacted molars is a president who will let the terrorists play hopscotch on the lawn of the White House. And we need to be sure that you’re not going to give the American people the Black Death, Obama. We want Americans to die as Americans should: from American diseases, without viable health care coverage.

Yes, you’ve shown us what you claim to be your birth certificate. But what about testimony from those who remember you being born? What we really would like to know is if anyone got an icy sensation of evil as they gazed into your infant eyes. Or if anyone had any disturbing or portentous dreams about you, such as one in which you walked through a field of skulls while flaming dead bald eagles fell from the sky. Certainly the American people deserve to know about those dreams, Obama, if we are to have any chance at all at preventing them from coming true.

While we’re on the subject of evil, it occurs to me that we have no definitive proof that you are not a witch. In the interests of the American people, we demand that you place a spoon under your pillow at night, so that we can see if it rusts by morning. I also propose to place you in a burlap sack and toss you into the nearest river to see if you float. If you don’t, good news! You’re innocent, and this whole sorry mess will be behind you.

Oh, one another thing. In the interests of properly vetting you, we absolutely are going to need to see your penis. What are you hiding in your pants, Obama? It’s time to pull down your pants and your presidential boxers and be honest with the American people. If your penis is too small, we cannot properly respect you as Commander in Chief. If on the other hand, it is very large, that’s bad too, because you might literally use it to fuck our deepest values. As taxpaying citizens who want transparency in government, we demand that this transparency be extended to your pants and underpants. The era of secrets must end.

You and some of your liberal defenders always try to say that this movement of birthers/schoolers/penis gawkers is racist. That’s an absolutely appalling and dishonest charge, and frankly, it’s just the kind of thing that lazy, lying blacks would say. The important thing is that we need to calm the fears of the American people about you, and as you know, nothing calms Americans quite as much as making numerous demands for information to rule out the fact that there might be a bomb under your vest RIGHT NOW!!!!

Mr. Obama, we are simply trying to make sense of the fact that you, an American whose name and skin tone are so different from ours, is president instead of one of us.  If you really want to be treated with the respect your office has traditionally commanded, you will comply with each and every request we make of you, no matter how belittling it may seem. Any disrespect you get either way, Obama, whether by complying with demands that make you look like a buffoon or by refusing to comply with them, will in our opinion be the result of your own actions, only.

As one of the grammar school bullies we plan to grill for information about you might put it: Stop hitting yourself, Obama. Stop hitting yourself.