The first step towards embracing femaleness
I read this thing on a self-described trans dating site yesterday, and found it puzzling in several ways. It’s a “Femininity Guide For Trans Women.”
Trans Women are unapologetically fashion conscious; they have an insatiable desire to look more feminine.
That seems insulting. Surely trans women are like people in general: various. Surely they don’t all have an insatiable desire to look more feminine.
Also what is “feminine”? But more on that later.
Just like cisgender women, they always want to look younger and prettier.
That’s insulting to both. It’s not true that “cisgender” women always want to look younger and prettier. That’s a sexist and belittling stereotype about women.
However, after the sex reassignment surgery, many transgender women find themselves at the end of their wits on how to look more feminine. It is important for transsexual women to understand that clothes, cosmetics, and accessories are not the only aspects of femininity, as femininity encompasses more than physical appearance.
Yes, it also includes being weak and submissive. Welcome to the party, ladies!
Unfortunately, even though transsexual women have a womanly gender inclination, they were not brought up as women. As a result, when they are “reborn” after the sex reassignment surgery, they can face some challenges as they learn to embrace their femininity. The first step towards embracing femaleness should be having a firm grasp on what it means to be female. This involves reading and researching about femininity and, if needed, hiring a femininity coach.
What?
How can that even make sense? The first rule is that “Trans women are women.” The second rule is that they were too so brought up as women, no matter how hard their parents and teachers denied it. They never had male privilege, they never received male socialization, and they were always female. Having to take lessons in being female makes no sense in that context.
Being female is as much mental as it is physical. The way you think, therefore, is the cornerstone of being feminine. If you think you are sexy, then you should walk and talk as though you are the goddess of femininity. Understanding that femaleness is both a state of mind and a physical state is a key factor in unlocking your feminine nature.
And that’s what “being female” is, from soup to nuts: it’s thinking you’re sexy. That’s all there is to it. Women are The Things That Are Sexy.
Some of the main areas that transgender woman should concentrate on improving are how they move and talk. First, it is important to analyze your current movements and identify any areas that are overtly manly and abrupt. A woman is supposed to be gentle in her movements; she should be polished, graceful, and decorous. All of these traits should be readily apparent to everyone the moment you walk into a room. How you sit down and carry yourself should be in line with your feminine side. When seated, for example, your legs should never be apart; they should be neatly closed together and tucked under you.
In other words you should look and act and sit like Doris Day circa 1955.
Your voice should be girly, and then, of course, you must
SMILE
Just like the old song says, “You’re never fully dressed without a smile.” To be more feminine, you need to know how to smile like a woman. A smile not only brightens up your face, but it also makes you look friendlier and more welcoming, traits both associated with femininity and womanly charm.
So, when the man interrupts you every time you speak, smile. When the man catcalls you on the street, smile. When the man gropes you on the bus, smile.
And carry a purse.
That clinches it; I am not a woman. I have been declared not a woman by so many people, based on not being polished, graceful, or decorous, but instead tripping over my size 9 feet more often than I like to admit, that I am finally, ultimately, and completely convinced. I am not a woman.
So what am I? Well, I have been described as charged with energy, indefatigable (by someone who actually knew what the word meant), always moving, getting things done, and causing shock to some people who expected decorum and grace…I have decided that my new gender identity is electricity.
My unfeminine feet are size 9 too, and I sometimes get annoyed when I walk around my hilly neighborhood where often a set of stairs replace street and sidewalk: I get annoyed because my feet are bigger than the treads so I have to go sideways to avoid stumbling. NOT DAINTY ENOUGH.
*Headdesk* Yeah, this is so much bullshit. Every trans writer I’ve ever followed would call it out as such, too. It feels mostly like a holdover from the bad old days (which weren’t that long ago) of heavy trans gatekeeping, where you had to meet the (usually male) doctor and psychologist’s definition of ‘femininity’ to be allowed to transition at all. There’s also the general need to hyper-perform (and hyper-conform) in order to ‘pass’ safely.
But in theory, as the gatekeeping relaxes, these idiocies should be getting pushed aside.
And carry a brick in that purse.
Maybe someone should start a project to colonize Venus too? Any suggestions as to pioneers? So, it has a cloudy atmosphere of hot sulphuric acid, but just bring the big makeup kit.
Hey, if they hurry they can become the first trans-planetaries!
— Iknklast, that was indeed flash news! Sparkling ;-)
We should keep in mind that this is not (just) an advocacy site; it is a business, seeking to turn a profit on people’s insecurities. Therefore everything you read on it is immediately suspect, and most of it is complete bullshit.
Is it? I went to the home page and still don’t see any marketing opportunities. It looks like a community self-help site…but I didn’t click on the Join link, and maybe if I had I would have seen the profit-making part.
Huh. Charm School for Trans-Girly-Girls. How….quaint.
It says it’s “100% FREE”, but so too do a lot of dating sites; I haven’t investigated it more thoroughly than a cursory glance, but I would be surprised if there were not some profit-generating activity (freemium or ads). If not, though, then I was wrong and the advocacy could well be authentic.
I sent the link to a friend who started reading it a couple of minutes after I did. It was possible to map her exclamations of “OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE” and ” OMFG I obviously fail at being a woman” and so on directly to the specific sentences that caused similar fury in me.
Reading horrible articles is definitely improved by increasingly enraged subtitles.
“A woman is supposed to be gentle in her movements; she should be polished, graceful, and decorous. All of these traits should be readily apparent to everyone the moment you walk into a room.”
Yeah, but sometimes the best way to express your femininity is to play *sick*
Sick and helpless and on the verge of fainting…
There Affectation, with a sickly mien,
Shows in her cheek the roses of eighteen,
Practis’d to lisp, and hang the head aside,
Faints into airs, and languishes with pride,
On the rich quilt sinks with becoming woe,
Wrapp’d in a gown, for sickness, and for show.
The fair ones feel such maladies as these,
When each new night-dress gives a new disease.
—The Rape of the Lock: Canto 4 by Alexander Pope (1715)
No one asked for coherence or continuity. You can/must be ‘born female in the wrong body,’AND need the services of a ‘femininity coach’ to help you erase any traces of self-worth and autonomy that keep you off the cover of Cosmo.
This is much like Trump voters; fervour, resentment, and credulity are all you need. Not thinking or sympathy required.
So trans women can’t think of anything to put in their handbags? They are genuinely incapable of thinking that things like money, keys or a mobile phone could go in? I find that unlikely. As for the author’s list of essential items, I try to have a pen and paper but not deodorant and hand sanitizer etc. But then I also like to have a book and a Swiss army knife so I’m probably not really female, whatever my gynaecologist may think.
Yeah, by these definitions I ain’t female either. I’m big, have always lacked grace, yes, my feet too frequently don’y fit on stair treads (especially in my daily footwear of walking boots). I don’t smile, I’m sarcastic, aggressive, and far more at home doing DIY than any more stereotypically “feminine” pursuit. I haven’t owned a skirt for about ten years, give exactly zero fucks about fashion, I wear makeup only on excessively formal occasions (once in a blue moon). How can I possibly be female? And yet I am. Funny that, it’s amost as though “feminine” behaviour correlates very poorly with being female…
I manage to totally lack grace even though I have smallish feet (size 7.5, though they are EE width, which gives me even more incentive to resist cramming them into pointy-toed high heels). By the time I was in my 20s, I think my grandmother had finally given up on me ever being “polished, graceful, and decorous”. (To her credit, I think my mother gave up on it by the time I was about 6.)
As for what’s in my handbag, of course money, keys, and phone (and my phone has e-books in it). And I will vote for the hand sanitizer, and kleenex, but not deodorant or lipstick or other makeup. But I do have bandaids, advil, antihistamine, an inhaler, pen and paper, as well as nitrile gloves, safety pins, a sewing kit, pocket knife, multitool, and USB stick.
But I think what I find most disturbing is the idea that being a woman is supposed to be *about* presenting gender and sexuality. Gender and sexuality do have their purpose and their place, but I object to the sense I get from this piece that these things seem to define a woman in a way that they do not define a man.
Incredible. Not only that this is straight out of a Jane Austen era etiquette guide, but also the sheer obliviousness of it. I’ve no doubt that the feminists that support this tripe would object to the same advice being given to women in say, a Cosmo column or similar, and would quite rightly point out that women are getting sick of being told to be meek etc. But no, this is the bizarro edition of trans politics, and that means normal thinking is scrambled.
Also, if ‘trans women are women, end of,’ and yet need to be taught how to act female, that would suggest to me one of two things.
1) There is no such thing as innate gender, no female soul, no woman on the inside or similar. Mannerisms are not innate but are taught through a lifetime of socialisation (or patronising behaviour guides). The author therefore stands against gender essentialism… right?
2) There is such a thing as innate gender behaviour, women truly are naturally inclined to be passive wall flowers / men truly are inclined to be assertive go-getters… butt hen, the fact that some trans people need to be told what their natural inclinations are supposed to be indicates that they do not have that inner gender. If they were, it would not need to be taught. Anyone that needs teaching is not trans oh no stop the transition!
And yet, what we see instead is some people embracing both gender essentialism and gender is just socialisation at once. Trans women are women, end of! Genetically, biologically, innately so, are and have always been socialised as women… yet need to be taught what mannerisms are native to their inner femaleness. What the fuck.
“Contrariwise,” continued Tweedledee, “if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.”
Holms, you should just copy this into every post Ophelia puts up about trans activists, hijab supporters, and Trump. As things get curiouser and curiouser, this may become one of the most important quotes of our time.
How many here have read “A Civil Campaign” by Lois McMaster Bujold?
The novel is set centuries in the future on a world (Barrayar) that is about as patriarchal as western civilization was a few centuries ago. One of the subplots of the novel involves a women going off world for a sex change. There is an interesting scene after the return to Barrayar where (now) he gets some tips on behaving convincingly male.
This post came to mind when I encountered the article below:
http://bbcabc.com/breaking-gender-stereotypes-meet-indias-first-legally-married-transgender-bride/
Right there in the URL and title, “breaking gender stereotypes”. In what way is this breaking stereotypes? It seems to me to be someone switching from one set of stereotypes to another. “Embracing femaleness”, you might say.