I’m worried now. Trump says the US is going to hell.

“The only crime that I have committed is to fearlessly defend our nation from those who seek to destroy it,” the 76-year-old told supporters gathered at his Mar-a-Lago home in Florida after he appeared in court.

Oh no, there are lots of crimes besides that.

While the charges relate to the payment to Stormy Daniels, prosecutors also released background documents which they say point to a pattern of trying to suppress potentially politically damaging stories.

They listed two other payments they say were made via the National Enquirer, a US tabloid whose publisher is a long-time ally of Mr Trump.

They allege $30,000 was paid to buy the silence of a doorman at Trump Tower who claimed Mr Trump had a lovechild.

And $150,000 was paid to Karen McDougal, a former Playboy model who said she had a sexual relationship with Mr Trump.

It’s all so dignified, isn’t it. Doorman, “lovechild,” Playboy model. (Why is it “lovechild”? When the whole point is that that’s exactly what it isn’t? Fuckchild would be the accurate label. Sexchild, mistakechild, condombrokechild.)

Tune in next month for another episode of Big Don and the Porn Star.