Try Newark next time

I’ve seldom read anything more wounding. A Guardian autobiographical tale of a UK teenager who longed to go west:

I applied to US colleges I had heard of in films. I studied SAT books and got a good enough score to attempt the admissions process. Things started to happen. I bunked off sixth form to attend interviews. In films these are huge moments of plot development…

The campus was eerily pristine; if there was a leaf on the ground it would be swept up almost immediately. No wonder, because the campus was literally a film set. This was where Buffy the Vampire Slayer went to college and Elle Woods checked into Harvard in Legally Blonde. Hip-hop dancers had dance-offs in car parks and the marching band practised on the athletics field.

Sounds hellish, doesn’t it. It sort of was, but she sort of missed it. But the wounding bit is…

Coming home, I refused to sleep in my teenage bedroom. I was afraid that I would wake up and feel as if the past few years had been a dream. I missed my friends, professors and the sunny California disposition, but I felt incredibly relieved to be back among irreverent and witty Britons.

Hey! Hey now! We can do irreverent! We can do witty! We can even do cloudy dispositions.

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