Author: Ophelia Benson

I like it when people fix little problems that most of us don’t even notice.

Iran plans to make special bicycles designed for women that will be compatible with Islamic regulations and not expose their body movements while riding, the newspaper Iran reported. The new bicycle would have a cabin to cover half of a rider’s body…Women in Iran are obliged to wear scarves and long gowns to hide their hair and body contours. Female athletes must also follow this rule and participate in sports wearing scarves and gowns. The clergy considers women’s body movements made while riding a bicycle to be provoking to men and not compatible with social rules.

I know what they mean, don’t you? Women’s body movements are provoking to men – and they keep doing it. Ever noticed that? They just never stop. They keep making body movements – the sluts. They walk here and there – they cough – they breathe. They eat food – they laugh – they turn the pages of books. They type, they drink coffee, they put their socks on. How are men supposed to be able to go about their lives with all that going on?! Women should either hold completely still – or be completely covered up – or ideally both.

That of course is especially true of any movement involving the arms, because of course movement of the arms reminds everyone of sex. Also especially true of movements of the head, because sometimes the head moves around during sex, also because you can put things in it. And triply or quadruply true of the – gulp – the – gasp – the – choke – legs. The legs the legs the legs. Legs, legs, leggggs – oh god help me. Legs. You know. Sex. Sex has legs in it. Because they’re up around you, and because of what’s between them. Actually legs should be against the law, if you think about it. Really. Legs – they’re filthy, they’re obscene, they’re disgusting. They should all be cut off! At birth! Women’s anyway. Not men’s of course. No need for that – just poke women’s eyes out, instead. Cut off their legs, poke out their eyes, make them wear tents when they walk around and little houses if they’re ever insane enough to try to ride a bicycle. The little house will of course make that impossible, so no more problem. No more women on bicycles with their legggggs going up and down, up and down, up and down – ohhhhhhh.

Uh, excuse me. I – um – I have a chill. I have to go now – time for prayers.