At last, at last I get to go to a conference, yee-ha. I feel so included. Plus it will be so much fun – networking, and drinks in the bar, and staying up all night, and sexual gossip, and putting disgusting things in people’s beds, and singing, and sitting around the campfire – wait, I think I’m getting confused. This will be all grown-up and serious, not like summer camp. Which is good, because I hated summer camp – both day camp and go away for two weeks camp. Sending me to camp was I think part of a half-hearted effort to make me more normal and extroverted, but it never worked. If anything it made me less extroverted, being forced to spend a lot of time with a bunch of unchosen strangers.
Oh excuse me, I didn’t mean to lapse into reminiscence. Anyway the Very Big Atheist Conference of 2011 won’t be like that. No lanyards and no marshmallows, for one thing; that will mark a difference right away. And then the exciting opportunity to explain about Etiquette and Comportment for Atheist Ladies – I have so longed to do that, and I am so ideally suited for the task. Never mind the business about not being normal and extroverted, that doesn’t matter – I’m great on the theory. I’m a student of the subject. I’m nerdy and sullen and quick to take offence, but I can say how to be polite and comportful as well as anyone in the business.
So see you all in Darwin City next year! No bed hair please – no deliberately torn jeans – no tongue studs. No pyjamas – no thongs – no baggy falling-down pants – no – wait, where are you going? Come back!
Comments
24 responses to “Next year in Darwin City”
I always thought that my parents sent my sister and me to camp, for two months, not for two weeks, because they needed privacy for their sex life.
But I can get away with my accidentally torn jeans? And what’s this about “no marshmallows”? I was promised marshmallows.
My mother was a widow, so that wasn’t why she sent me.
Accidentally torn jeans are fine. But marshmallows? Bleagh. Dilettante chocolate, please, no marshmallows. I see those peeps in your pocket – what do you think peeps are made of?! I won’t have it. Two weeks of detention.
What? Peeps?! I’ll have you know that these are artisanal marshmallows made by my very own dainty hands, gently flavored and scented with organic orange zest.
*Peeps*. Indeed.
I can’t wait; I’ve wanted to take Etiquette and Comportment from you ever since you told us that, when surprised, you prefer to shoot your glass eye across the room, instead of just dropping your monocle. That would be such an elegant, and useful, skill.
As for the rule on no pajamas, I assume that doesn’t include the Ladies Saturday Night Slumber Party.
Iām no lady, but if I put on a *really* nice dress, will you teach me etiquette too?
Ooo! Oooh! Miss? Miss?! If I come to the conference, can I clutch your pearls? Miss?
I cannot believe the conference organizers have entrusted the teaching of such an important subject to two women.
Etiquette and Comportment for Atheist Ladies should of course be taught by Mr Collins (who, being a British clergyman, is eminently qualified).
Say hi to Matt Nisbet and Chris Mooney for us!
Ah, very true – I do in fact occasionally deliver lectures in the voice of Mr Collins, though I don’t announce the fact, so as not to frighten you. More often however I simply imitate my affable mentor Lady Catherine; she it was who taught me the glass eye trick, once she was satisfied that I had thoroughly mastered household economy and travel arrangments for the daughters of gentlemen.
As for Mr Nisbet and Mr Mooney, it is for them to say Hai to me.
I’ve heard you must wear at least four petticoats in Darwin (although it does get rather hot). It’s on account of the natives: dreadfully shocking they are, will do anything to catch a glimpse of your ankle. You musn’t try and civilise them though: before you know it they’ll have away with you and we’ll never hear from you again.
Darwin? That’s just a discount flight away from S’pore and if you want to stop over here, my apartment is yours, Op! The local humanist group – like about 99.9% atheist really- would probably like to make use of you troublemakers before you set off to wreak havoc on ozland. It would be crazy fun to have the likes of you,Myers etc in our little city for even a day…
Oi! it’s an april fool joke?? But it is the 2nd of April today, no fair! How come the really fun conferences dont get organised?
I had peeps for the first time a few days ago. Why do they dip them in washing powder after making them? Or if they don’t, why do they taste like that?
This illustrates an interesting theological point. I’m an atheist and I can taste peeps (unfortunately) but since any positive qualities in the universe must come from God peeps cannot have been made by God. They must therefore be the work of Satan.
Q.E.D.
Ah, yes; Lady Catherine had quite the talent for ocular rocketry, and in her youth could reliably bring down a carrier pigeon in flight at twenty paces. It is good to hear that this fine tradition remains in capable hands.
Yes; sorry mirax! It was still April 1 here when I did the post. But it was probably necessary to read Greta’s post to realize it was an April 1 type conference. I’d love to come to S’pore and look up you and the local humanists!
I always thought this American custom of sending children off to summer camp was cruel and unusual punishment, and contravened the Constitution.
Well some of the little bastards actually like it. Weirdos.
For some reason, the comments in this thread put me in mind of some bizarre Chris Mooney-Jane Austen mashup:
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a journalist in possession of a good fortune from the Templeton foundation must be in search of New Atheists to bash.”
Surely great fodder for the much anticipated sequel to “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”.
Urgh, the mere mention of summer camp evokes that queer hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. Nothing would compel me to ship my precious Danio-fry off to such grim destinations.
Speaking of Peeps, ’tis the season to haul out this geeky old chestnut:
http://www.peepresearch.org/
Heh – I think it was that that first informed me that those things are Peeps. Until then I had lacked a name for them.
The “Darwin City” thing gave away that it was a hoax, even though it was 2 April when most of us read it. All the rest sounded all-too-plausible. ;)
But anyone organising a real conference in Darwin would know that nobody within a few thousand miles of the place ever calls it “Darwin City”.
Yeah the Darwin ‘city’ bit sounded odd but I just put it down to AmeriKKKan provincialism…
I’m still gutted that troops of atheists arent going to be flying over my flat on their way to Darwin, with a couple of the dear ones parachuting down for a couple of days of R&R.
Ah now see I was just assuming that ‘Darwin City’ was either made up or a different place from Darwin. I know Darwin is just Darwin. (Furthermore, I mentally pronounce it Australianly, which neatly distinguishes it from the fella by the same name. Odd but true.)