An interlude

Oh my – this is funny – tragic but funny. Aspiring author self-destructs in public. Is urged to stop self-destructing. Continues self-destruction process. Tragic…I can’t wait to read the rest.

Comments

47 responses to “An interlude”

  1. Josh Slocum Avatar

    Oh. My. God. It’s too good. It’s a fun train wreck.

  2. Josh Slocum Avatar

    Ophelia – I’m cackling so hard I’m afraid I’m disturbing the counseling patients in the office next-door to mine. I mean:

    “She carried her stocky build carefully back down the stairs.”

    and

    “Don and Katy watched hypnotically Gino place more coffees out at another table with supreme balance.”

    That’s my new band name. Hypnotically Gyno. Yeah, with a y.

  3. Ophelia Benson Avatar

    You sure you wouldn’t prefer Out at Another Table?

    Haw!

  4. Hertta Avatar

    Oh dear.

    Your the target not me!Now get this review off here!

    Memo to self: If you ever manage to write a book and get the inevitable bad review, just let it go. Really, let it go.

  5. Stewart Avatar

    I followed her link to the video of her reading. That was before I saw the two [spoilers] comments she wrote. Scrolling down slowly, the second one caused a really sharp intake of breath. It’s sad, but you somehow can’t take your eyes off it.

  6. Kevin Avatar

    I got the distinct impression that the 5- and 4-star reviews were by Polly-O.

  7. Improbable Joe Avatar

    Down in the comments she was really interested in everyone’s balls.

  8. Ophelia Benson Avatar

    “My writing is just fine!” Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear.

  9. Josh Slocum Avatar

    “Fuck off!”

    Hehehehehehehe

  10. Miranda Celeste Hale Avatar

    Oh the LOLZ! That’s an Epic Meltdown if ever there was one. And I love this:

    You are a big rat and a snake with poisenous venom

  11. Miranda Celeste Hale Avatar

    And here’s part of her bio from her website. What in the holy hell is going on here? That second paragraph is particularly painful in oh-so-many ways:

    Jacqueline Howett was born in 1954 and educated in London, England. Her parents divorced when she was twelve years old. Her mother, Leila, a Greek lady, who worked in the London Fashion world, gave her the gift of another language. Her father, Leslie W. Howett, a naturalist and gifted artist who came from Kent, England met Leila while serving in the RAF in Greece. At sixteen Jacqueline Howett began her own travels of the world as a dancer, and at eighteen began writing her autobiography living at sea while married to a Greek chief officer, whose life soon came to a tragic ending. London, Europe & America, became Jacqueline’s playground.

    The changing scenery in London, from the late seventies to the mid eighties with the novelty of Arabs, giving out easy money, while they became educated, had followed by the left over stench in the air of the Iran war. Heavy metal bands, drugs, the AID scares and the confusing beginnings of the first computers taking over, that empted the paper shelves to discs were all part of the horrors that made her flee to North Wales where she continued to edit the novel, Cass. Again, she had to flee from there, due to the Welsh politics of the time, which were burning the British bought homes there. Who knew? Since 1989, she continued her writing living in the U.S.A. After living in Florida and California, she became a US citizen in Tampa, Florida, in April 1993 and there after settled in Maine for twelve years. She returned to Florida to live in 2002.

    “Amorphous Angelic” selected poems is now available as an eBook on Amazon Kindle USA and also in the UK. It was written from 1983-1985 in London, England during her own rebirth, while in a celibate/hermit repose, prior to moving to America, and will remain her most memorable poems. It was a time Howett seriously began to dedicate herself to her life’s works in a mature form, writing in her London sanctuary; plays, poetry, novels, reading the classics, and dabbling with instruments and listening to classical music for a period after placing rock n roll on hold. It was also a time of reconnecting to her creative spirit, within a state of celibacy, through a very drastic death/rebirth experience that she vaguely explains in her novel CASS.

    That broke my brain. Omfg.

  12. Stewart Avatar

    @ Miranda

    Parody-defying…

  13. Grania Spingies Avatar

    It’s late in the evening here, and this is my first much-needed belly laugh of the day.

    It’s would not be hard to believe that this isn’t a cleverer-than-usual elaborately set-up Poe. But I guess it’s a case of Author Digs Hole, Falls Into It, Knocks Herself On Head With Spade.

  14. John H. Avatar

    John Scalzi mentioned this, too. Almost too embarrassing to read.

    Almost. Hee.

  15. Marc Alan Di Martino Avatar

    Wait, all I’m seeing is BigAl’s book blog…I’m not finding any of that good littrachur. Is there another link to click? Am I missing it? Hwlp…

  16. Jen Phillips Avatar

    (excerpt from Miranda’s quote:)

    dabbling with instruments and listening to classical music for a period after placing rock n roll on hold. It was also a time of reconnecting to her creative spirit, within a state of celibacy, through a very drastic death/rebirth experience that she vaguely explains in her novel CASS.

    Ah! The pathway to dismal storytelling [and, it would seem, batshit insanity] is the repudiation of sex and rock and roll–what about drugs, though?

    Heavy metal bands, drugs, the AID scares and the confusing beginnings of the first computers taking over, that empted the paper shelves to discs were all part of the horrors that made her flee to North Wales…

    oh, there they are. Also, computers. The HORROR! Precious. Thanks, Ophelia, this really brightened my day :)

  17. Stewart Avatar

    Are you serious, Marc? It’s the underlined link in the post, this: http://booksandpals.blogspot.com/2011/03/greek-seaman-jacqueline-howett.html

  18. Jen Phillips Avatar

    Here’s a footnote from the poetry page of her blog. I guess she’s…consistent.

    I wrote this poem. ‘Sands of time,’ to my entry into America, when I seemingly fled Old England in 1988, at the beginning of the first Arab invasion, not long after the Arabs became educated. And while running away from all that was Europe in change, (It was also the beginning of the computer era.) I was looking back across the channel from my new home on the water in Falmouth, Maine relieved yet somewhat puzzled this was New England.

    Quite the target-rich environment, her blog. My head is spinning.

  19. Ophelia Benson Avatar

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    Oh man…

    (Marc I hope you found it!)

  20. markjz12 Avatar

    “Fuck off!” Just became the new “WINNING!”

  21. Ophelia Benson Avatar

    The comments at John Scalzi’s are great too. #7 –

    I particularly liked the part where she declared it to be “not fair”. Man, if I’d realized I could demand “fair” from the universe, I’d have a wholly different life…

  22. Robert Wilson Avatar
    Robert Wilson

    Just another example of why critical thinking is so important. The number of people you encounter trying to make a living or enjoy a hobby on the internet who suddenly flip out when you criticize something they hold dearly can never be overestimated.

    And heck the review wasn’t even bad.

  23. Peter N Avatar

    I’ll guess I’ll have to be the first to say it…This lady sounds like she has a few screws loose, which would under other circumstances make her the object of our compassion — but here we are, a jeering mob. Funny as hell, though. And I’m surprised nobody has mentioned Vogon Poetry.

  24. Eamon Knight Avatar

    I like her excuse that it’s because she’s English and Big Al just doesn’t get the style. While British and American authors do have recognizably different styles[1], I’m pretty sure that what poor Jacquie writes in is neither the Queen’s English, nor that of any of Brittania’s former colonies.

    [1] For some reason, Ophelia’s style always struck me as British, to the extent that I was surprised to discover that she is a Yank.

    @23: Not so much critical thinking as a capacity for self-assessment. Raging case of Dunning-Kruger going on there, I think.

  25. Mark Jones Avatar

    She’s a prosaic McGonagall! Very entertaining.

    Although I found the line:

    At sixteen Jacqueline Howett began her own travels of the world as a dancer, and at eighteen began writing her autobiography living at sea while married to a Greek chief officer, whose life soon came to a tragic ending.

    …rather sinister. There’s an implication of inevitability about it.

  26. David M Avatar

    And her site has bits of the book up too. It’s not pretty.

  27. Ophelia Benson Avatar

    Peter – well to be sure I did stop reading the comments eventually, and people there did point out that since she hadn’t returned in a long time it was turning into a bit of a mob.

    But what exactly is the line between a few screws loose and a hilarious sense of entitlement coupled with a bad case of Dunning-Kruger effect? Ah that is a deep question.

    Eamon –

    [1] For some reason, Ophelia’s style always struck me as British, to the extent that I was surprised to discover that she is a Yank.

    It is a little. It’s a mash of the two. I read a lot of UK media etc, I know quite a few people there, over the years I’ve absorbed a lot of trans-Atlantic phrases…It’s a mongrel style.

  28. Grania Spingies Avatar

    On the plus side, she probably has sold about 2000% more copies than she would have if she had just politely thanked him for his review.

  29. dirigible Avatar

    I like her excuse that it’s because she’s English and Big Al just doesn’t get the style.

    I’m English.

    The style isn’t got by me.

  30. Grania Spingies Avatar

    She has a style that can only be described as awkward. Or incomprehensible.

    However, Katy detected in her mother in laws eyes her reading into something more with where they were really going together in life. Katy’s high heels echoed as she followed Don down the stairs.

    Excerpt from the author’s weebly site. The whole chapter is like this: clumsy sentences, spelling & punctuation errors and naively detailed descriptions of everything including the kitchen sink.

  31. Grendels Dad Avatar

    Admit it. It must have been tempting to respond to some of the gnu bashers with:

    My writing is just fine. Fuck off!

  32. Ophelia Benson Avatar

    Grendel’s, well of course that’s what I think, but I know better than to say it!

  33. Hamilton Jacobi Avatar
    Hamilton Jacobi

    She carried her stocky build carefully back down the stairs.

    Hmm. Something’s not right there.

    Polly-O carried her stocky build carefully back down the stairs.

    Much better.

  34. Hamilton Jacobi Avatar
    Hamilton Jacobi

    And for a brief interlude from the interlude, see Why Should New Atheists Engage in Interfaith Service? Rieux seems to be holding down the fort pretty well.

  35. Brian Avatar

    I found that hilarious. But given I English poorly seriously write incomprehensibly, shoudn’t comment first person singluar pronoun! You can all just fuck off! Feels cathartic that.

  36. Alex SL Avatar

    This is hilarious, thanks for sharing!

  37. Julia F Avatar

    I started laughing at the title which made me think of the old gag line “The fleet is in and the streets are full of seamen.”

  38. Sigmund Avatar

    The first series of entries (Fuck off!) were funny but after the pile on it got a bit sad. The woman came across as somewhat unstable and it felt a little awkward to see so many individuals apparently joining the thread just to make fun of her.

  39. Andy Dufresne Avatar

    Funny as hell.

    The “fuck off” from her comment made me laugh out loud.

  40. Marc Alan Di Martino Avatar

    Okay I got it – it was the comments themselves. That’s what you get when you try to follow links while rocking a baby to sleep.

    Pathetic grammarian and crybaby though she is, she’s still higher in my esteem than Orlando Figes. Which isn’t saying much, of course.

  41. latsot Avatar

    I skimmed the first chapter. It’s mostly about recipes for fish. Some people are going to go out for something to eat, but then they decide not to. It’s the feelgood story of the year. A rollercoaster of a read with plenty of hot gypsies.

    As for whether we’re unfairly mocking the afflicted, I didn’t think so until she said she couldn’t see anything wrong with the ‘hypnotic’ sentence. Now I’m not so sure. When dozens of people tell you there’s a rabbit away and your response is “FOOLS!!!!!!! I’LL SHOW YOU ALL!!!!!” I’m inclined to think you’ve left the realms of sanity. Sanity is just a speck on the horizon to you.

    When this is coupled with the fact that this is a woman who was so scared of computers that she hid in Wales (where they presumably don’t have computers) and seems to think that all Arabs suddenly became educated all at once one day in 1988 and I think we probably have someone who should not be allowed out by herself. I can’t decide whether her obvious sock-puppetry in the Amazon comments is evidence of incompetence or insanity.

    On balance, perhaps we should mock her a little bit more just to be sure.

  42. Blondin Avatar

    The Yoda school of sentence structure she went to I think.

  43. Rieux Avatar

    Hamilton @35: Thanks! You’ll note I linked to Ophelia and quoted her at some length.

    I honestly feel bad about that particular disagreement. I think Epstein and Figdor have their hearts in the right place; Figdor even uses the term “New Atheism” in what he intends to be a positive context, which is a lot more than we can expect from most abettors of religious privilege. They’re just missing the forest for the trees, and that’s disappointing.

    BTW, I too thought, for a long time, that Ophelia was British. I was really surprised to find out she lives in Washington.

  44. Ophelia Benson Avatar

    The piling on is a little sad (and probably more than a little if you read on, but I didn’t)…but the comments are closed now and it’s all over the internet anyway, so [whispers] I think it’s ok to laugh.

  45. Ophelia Benson Avatar

    I commented on that John Figdor piece. Rieux, yes – they’re good guys. We’ve been working out some of our differences on Facebook, oddly enough. More room for jokes there, or something.

  46. satan augustine Avatar
    satan augustine

    From the obviously self-written bio Miranda posted:

    Her mother, Leila, a Greek lady, who worked in the London Fashion world, gave her the gift of another language.

    Oh, so English is her second language then! That explains everything.

    /sarcasm