Guest post: There are times when platitudes are not enough
Guest post by Maureen Brian.
We have spent the last several decades chipping away at the notion that body conformation = personality = social role = that’s the way things are, folks.
When I say we I mean, primarily but not solely, those of us who over a couple of hundred years of work have managed to carve out for ourselves the right to vote, to have an education, to have a degree of control over our own finances. Many of us have worked to help other people see what can be achieved and to offer help and support as they try out the prospect of being fully paid up human beings in less promising circumstances, perhaps in countries where either the government or the religious authorities can be very abusive to anyone who challenges the status quo.
We no longer have to fight quite so hard if we want to be an astronaut, an engineer or simply not to have children. We do know, though, that around the next corner we may meet with someone who has not kept up with the changes. Someone, perhaps, who says, “I don’t do business with women” which has happened to me, despite his already knowing that I was the one who could commission work from him, draw up the agreement and sign off his payment.
Of course we are going to be mad and of course we are going to fight back when a group of people spring up from nowhere and start telling us how we must perceive ourselves, what language we may or may not use, how their perception of who they are trumps my perception of who I am.
In practice I am entirely respectful of how another person perceives their own gender and careful to use the pronouns they prefer. I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life discussing it. Nor am I either keen or likely to submit to their authority. What authority, anyway?
So, there comes a time when I’ll be doing a cost / benefit analysis. Is what is being asked of me causing me more harm than it gives benefit to the other person? Have we reached the point where “please humour me” becomes an imposition? We’re very close. And there are times when platitudes are not enough.
Excellent! Much appreciated too.
Maureen, a very thought provoking piece. In fact there are several inter-related threads to this that have me thinking. I want to mention this particular bit:
When I first read that my internal reaction was “I’ve always supported equality for women and have spoken out in support of this all my life – even as a child”. this started a cascade of internal reflection. Why have I always supported equality for women? On what basis? Evidence and fairness are very important to me. I’ve met so many girls (when I was a boy) and women (now I’m older) that were as good or better than me at something (sometimes many things) – and I’m a pretty capable person. When that is your baseline (evidence and fairness) it is impossible to build a framework that justifies treating others as less than equal, even if as individuals they may not be in some manner. It just doesn’t work.
That raised an awkward thought. My chain of personal evidence was based on being surrounded by girls and women who were able to demonstrate their competence, humanity and person-hood to me. What might my attitude have been if this had not been the case? Would I still have reached the same conclusion? Would I have been open-minded enough to be swayed. I want to think so. I need to think so.
What it does tell me is that the degree of freedom and equality women and other discriminated against groups have achieved to date has the potential to be ephemeral. It needs to be jealously guarded and we will probably have to struggle all our lives to maintain and hopefully expand the beach head currently held. This loops back to Josh’s thought [at times] the material world is the only world that matters.
Yes; absolutely. So many girls and women are thoroughly prevented from being able to demonstrate their competence, humanity and person-hood to anyone.
Mill talks about that – basically saying what makes anyone think we can even tell, given the stunted upbringings?
Good thinking, Rob!
That’s an interesting thought. Here’s another. Why is it, when presented with this evidence, you are able to see it when so many do not? Many men I know are surrounded by women who have been able to demonstrate their competence, humanity, and personhood. Many of these men have been unable to recognize these traits, because they can’t get beyond the category of “girl” (no matter how mature). Why? Why do so many men not see what is plainly demonstrated around them, when there are other men, such as yourself, my husband, and my son, who do see that? What makes you, or any other feminist man, different?
That’s a big question isn’t it? I really don’t know. I have met men who think as I do, whom I would have expected to be the opposite based on the background, and vice versa. I was a a younger son, too young to play with my older brothers and somewhat quiet and introspective as a child. In addition my parents divorced while I was young and my fathers behaviour, while not physically violent, was also not good. Those factors may have nudged me far enough out of the orbit of ‘typical’. Then again, I’ve always had a quite different temperament and way of looking at things than many of my family. humans are bundles of subtle and interacting factors. If we knew what caused what we’d be able to sort the world…
Totally agree. You’ve nailed my feelings exactly.