There were FIFTY of them! And they were all HAWT!!

Oh wait wait wait everybody, it turns out everything’s ok after all. This one judge in Ohio had lots of awesome sex with 50 very attractive females (his words) so there’s nothing to worry about. Whew!

Now that the dogs of war are calling for the head of Senator Al Franken I believe it is time to speak up on behalf of all heterosexual males. As a candidate for Governor let me save my opponents some research time. In the last fifty years I was sexually intimate with approximately 50 very attractive females. It ranged from a gorgeous blonde who was my first true love and we made passionate love in the hayloft of her parents [sic] barn and ended with a drop dead gorgeous red head from Cleveland.

Now can we get back to discussing legalizing marijuana and opening the state hospital network to combat the opioid crisis. I am sooooo disappointed by this national feeding frenzy about sexual indiscretions decades ago.


What a relief, right? Imagine if they hadn’t all been very attractive? Imagine if there had been only forty of them, or [shudder] thirty?

Yeah but for real – dude missed the point, didn’t he. The issue isn’t having sex. The issue certainly isn’t how attractive Male Candidate X’s sex partners were or were not. The issue is harassment and assault and rape. I think the distinction is pretty obvious. You’d hope it was one that judges were well aware of.

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