Tell Mike to start packing
Yesterday Trump was raging at Puerto Rico because Hurricane Dorian was headed towards it. Why did he think that was Puerto Rico’s fault? You’d have to ask him. But now the hurricane’s path has shifted, and Don has changed his tune.
Hurricane Dorian is poised to hit Trump’s private Mar-a-Lago club, so the president has canceled his trip to Poland. Bloomberg reported, “President Donald Trump has canceled a trip to Poland this weekend because Hurricane Dorian is poised to strike Florida, according to two people familiar with the matter.”
Trump is sending Pence instead.
Trump was all set to take off for Poland when he thought that the hurricane was going to hit Puerto Rico, but he suddenly changed his plans when the storm modeling showed his private Mar-a-Lago club potentially taking a direct hit from what is projected to become a Category 4 storm.
Puerto Rico? Bunch of whiners who brought it on themselves. Mar-a-Lago? CLEAR MY CALENDAR.
Great to know he’s laser-focused on our needs.
Trump: Climate change is a hoax.
Earth
: Here’s a Category 4 hurricane with 130+ mph winds aimed right at Mar-a-Lago, with my compliments.
It’s almost as if he cares about no one and nothing but himself.
Almost, heh heh heh…
If his club gets hit, he’ll want to be sure to gert hold of disaster relief funds, won’t he?
He will be entitled to all the disaster relief funds, of course. Because…he is…because…I forget why again?
Maybe someone will throw paper towels at him.
So what is he planning to do, exactly? Stand on Mar-a-lago’s front lawn, waving his arms and yelling at the hurricane? We should be so lucky.
Catwhisperer, he’ll throw paper towels at it. That’ll show that mean old hurricane. (Wish the hurricane had a female name, though. Serve him right to be taken down by a feminist hurricane).
If Puerto Rico gets hit, well they shouldn’t have put their island there in the first place. It’s their own fault for living there. They had it coming.
If it’s a Trump property in the hurricane’s cross-hairs, well that’s a NATIONAL EMERGENCY! Maybe even a GLOBAL EMERGENCY!! He’s a Rich, White, Dude. This isn’t supposed to happen to him! Disasters happen to other people who aren’t Donald Trump (which phrase pretty much sums up his “presidency”), like that 9/11 thing that took out those two buildings that were taller than his. Silver lining, right?
Maybe he figures that his personal presence will be a clearer sign to God that he’s chosen the wrong landing point for this hurricane of his. He is the world’s best negotiator after all. He’ll make some kinda deal. I can see him now, standing on the breakwater, his golden mane flapping in the strengthening winds, yelling:
TRUMP: HEY it’s ME, your buddy DONALD! Send it THAT WAY! Tell you what. You kinda go for sons, right? There was that Jew guy you were working with, you actually got him to get ready to knife his son?! Classic! And that other guy on the cross. He was yours, right? Wow. You Jews drive a hard bargain! Maybe you could work for me!
GOD: (Wind howls)
TRUMP: Well, I’ll give you Donald Jr.
GOD: (Wind howls)
TRUMP: Or Eric.
How about BOTH? TWO FOR ONE! (Thinking for a moment) I’ll even give you Jared, too! I know, not my son, but wht the hell.
GOD: THROW IN JSTORMY DANIELS PHONE NUMBER AND YOU”VE GOT A DEAL.
The wind abates, the clouds part and a shaft of golden light illuminates TRUMP, looking around, amazed and relieved. Almost tearful.
TRUMP (head bowed): Thanks, I owe you one!
GOD: YES, I KNOW.
TRUMP: How can I ever repay you?
GOD: WHEN I COME TO PLAY GOLF, YOU LET ME WIN.
TRUMP: (Taken aback, turning red with indignation): What? No! NEVER!
(Pointing accusingly, thinking again. (Yes, I know, twice in five minutes. This is fiction after all.)) You RIGGED this! You were NEVER SERIOUS! No, I WON”T LET YOU!I WIN! I ALWAYS WIN! YOU CAN’T!
(Shaking tiny, little fist) NO! I WON”T LET YOU! NO DEAL! I TAKE IT BACK! GO AHEAD. DO YOUR WORST!
GOD: (Wind returns, stronger than before. The sky redarkens.) SO BE IT. (Thunder, lightning, rain. Volcanic mountains start to rise out of the sea and on the land, spewing ash, steam).
TRUMP: (Mamiacaly dancing): Ha HA! I WIN! I BEAT YOU! I WIN! I WIIIIIN!
GOD:(Volcano rumbles. A huge pyroclastic cloud rools in, destroying everything, cutting off TRUMP in mid gloat) WHAT A PUTZ!
TRUMP: (Mamiacaly dancing): Ha HA! I WIN! I BEAT YOU! YOU LOSE! YOU’RE A LOSER!! I WIN! I WIIIIIN! HAHAHAHA!
How could I have missed the chance to have Trump call God a loser?!
Cycling to work, I realized I forgot something. In the above scene, TRUMP’s last line of dialogue should be:
TRUMP: (Mamiacaly dancing): Ha HA! I WIN! I BEAT YOU! YOU LOSE! YOU’RE A LOSER!! I WIN! I WIIIIIN! HAHAHAHA!
How could I have missed the chance to have Trump call God a loser?!
Iknklast, you’re right, what a missed opportunity. We could have had hurricane Ivana flattening Trump’s favourite place.