Gwyneth Paltrow is mocking us.
So Gwyneth has made a candle called This Smells Like My Vagina because, well, of course she has. It is priced at a comparatively bargain £58…
Hadley Freeman isn’t making it up, they do sell it.
$75 US. That’s quite pricey for a candle, even a scented one. Maybe harvesting the scent has high overheads.
Whole religions have been founded trying to answer the big questions: what is the meaning of life? What is reality? How can we cope with the concept of mortality? Goop is a quasi-religion in itself, from its messianic head figure, its deluded self-belief, its ludicrous claims and its overflowing bank account accrued from the desperate and vulnerable, estimated to exceed $250m. It has answered perhaps the greatest question of all: what does Gwyneth’s vagina smell like? According to the candle, it is a “funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected scent”, a mix of “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with damask rose and ambrette seed”.
What are cedar absolutes? What is a “funny” scent? How do they know what Gwyneth’s smells like? Is it her vagina they mean, or is it the happy purchaser’s? After all once the purchaser purchases, the “my” in “my vagina” becomes hers, because there it is on her dining table. Is it a universal vagina? If so, how many have they explored to confirm the scent is universal? Can we expect a my scrotum scented candle from, I don’t know, Doctor Phil?
But we must tread carefully here because Gwyneth does not like people questioning her vagina. In 2017, pre-legal case, in response to Dr Gunter’s repeated criticisms, Goop posted a gorgeously huffy reply, which Gwyneth tweeted, with the comment: “When they go low, we go high.” Who knew flogging vaginal eggs was taking the high road? Goop’s “contributing doctors” described Dr Gunter as “strangely confident” (to which Dr Gunter replied: “I am appropriately confident”) and insisted they are “empowering women” by “questioning the status quo”. The status quo being, I guess, vaginas without egg-shaped rocks stuck up inside them. Thank God that status has been quo-ed.
The status quo was not having vagina-scented candles at $75 a pop. Thank god those days are over.
Comments
40 responses to “Funny, gorgeous, n sexy”
I read the article about Gwyneth’s vagina candle to my significant other last night. She did not take it well. On several levels.
I saw this a few days ago, and the article noted it was sold out. It’s currently still listed as sold out. I wonder if any of these were actually ever sold? I suspect it’s just trolling.
(I hope it’s just trolling. If they actually can’t make them fast enough to keep in stock, then people are even stupider than I thought.)
https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/well-good/118782690/gwyneth-paltrows-vaginascented-candles-send-dangerous-message-says-doctor
Ho Rob; how could you? What would a doctor know compared to Gwyn’s amazingly intelligent vagina?
The best comment I’ve seen about this is:
Hadley Freeman is a total gem.
@latsot – Very funny.
KBPlayer, I finally remembered where I saw it. For due attribution:
https://bbs.boingboing.net/t/gwyneth-paltrows-got-a-75-smells-like-my-vagina-candle/158879/15
The article linked to includes:
I’m with Skeletor on this. I doubt this exists as a product.
But then Thinkgeek’s April Fool joke products sometimes ended up as real ones, so who knows what the future will bring?
I am literally paralysed by the sheer number of potential jokes and/or snarky comments that Goop vagina-scented candles trigger. It’s kind of like a computer trying to calculate Pi.
When Naomi Wolf wrote Vagina: A New Biography, there was much mirth about her thesis of the mystic power of that reproductive organ. I had some fun suggesting how putting “vagina” in a book title makes it sound a bit more exciting and edgy eg:-
The Curious Incident of the Vagina in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon
In the Shadow of the Vagina by Tom Holland
Vagina’s End by Ford Madox Ford
Letters to Vagina by Philip Larkin
We Need to Talk about My Vagina by Lionel Shriver
The Lonely Planet Guide to the Vagina
A Vagina for Mr Biswas by V S Naipaul
The Vagina of a Provincial Lady by E M Delafield
Changing My Vagina: Occasional Essays by Zadie Smith
The Vagina Stain by Philip Roth
The Odd Vaginas by George Gissing
More over here.
https://shirazsocialist.wordpress.com/2012/09/12/a-vagina-of-ones-own-by-vagina-wolf/
Hahahahahaha it should be a new game.
Long Day’s Journey into Vagina – Eugene O’Neill
The Vagina Boys – Neil Simon
Barefoot in the Vagina – also Neil Simon
Moon for the Vagina – Eugene O’Neill
The Glass Vagina – Tennessee Williams
The Vagina in Winter – James Goldman
Voyage Round my Vagina – John Mortimer
A Vagina Night’s Dream – William Shakespeare
Hey, yeah, this is fun.
@iknlast – Class act, riffing on plays.
It could translate well to song, too. Who wouldn’t want to hear Elton John singing Vagina in the Wind? Presley belting out You’re just a hunk’a hunk’a Burning Vagina? Gene Pitney’s tale of his selfish unfaithful act would make even less sense had it occurred when he was just 24 Hours from Vagina. The more fundamentalist followers of Cat Stevens’ adopted religion don’t allow music, so we can never know their thoughts on Vagina Has Broken.
However, the song and performer have to be right. I really can’t imagine The Village People belting out In Vagina like they mean it, and Mick Jagger would grow a nose like Pinocchio’s if he attempted (I Can’t Get No) Vagina!
Moby Vagina
A Vagina Grows in Brooklyn
How Green Was My Vagina
Wuthering Vaginas
Catcher in the Vagina
AOS @13, well if you’re going to do songs, there is a pretty obvious Nirvana song… (I’m at work, so not typing that out).
But anyway…
Nothing compares 2 vagina, Sinead O’Connor
I want vagina that way, Backstreet Boys
One sweet vagina, Mariah Carey
Gangsta’s vagina, Coolio
I will always love vagina, Whitney Houston
That’s just the 90s, but it gets silly.
‘Confessions of a Justified Vagina’. James Hogg
‘A Portrait of the Vagina as a Young ?’. James Joyce
‘Dead Vaginas’. Gogol
‘The Tale of Peter’s Vagina’. Beatrix Potter
The Sorrows of Young Vagina’. Goethe
‘A House and its Vagina’. Ivy Compton Burnett
The Kalevagina
‘The Golden Vagina’. Henry James
‘The Radetsky Vagina’. Joseph Roth
‘Paradise Revaginated’. John Milton
‘The Vaginaling’. Thomas Middleton
‘Travels in Vagina Deserta’. Charles Doughty
‘The Vagina of the ‘Narcissus’. Joseph Conrad
‘Conversations in the Vagina’. Mario Vargas Llosa
‘More Vaginas than Pricks’. Samuel Beclett
‘Our Evagination Round his Factification for Invagination of Work in Regress’. Samuel Beckett & others
‘Wuthering Vaginas’. Emily Bronte
‘The Selfish Vagina’. Richard Dawkins
I think that will do…
I don’t know why ‘Harris’ somehow got transmogrified into ‘Haatis’ above. Stiff fingers, I suspect – it’s a bit cold in my study this morning.
And I see Ophelia came up with ‘Wuthering Vaginas’ before me!
So I’ll add:
‘Transparent Vaginas’. Vladimir Nabokov
Also Nabokov: Speak, Vagina.
The Secret Vagina of Adrian Mole, Aged 13 3/4 – Sue Townsend
And Tim’s remark Stiff fingers, I suspect brought to mind the track by N. Irish punk band, Stiff Little Fingers, Inflammable Vagina. Which led me to the Boomtown Rats’ I Don’t Like Vaginas, and the Sex Pistols’ God Save the Vagina, Vagina in the UK, Holiday in the Vagina and Vagina Vacant, all of which, if memory serves, are on the album Never Mind the Bollocks, it’s the Vagina Pistols.
How about movies (some by way of Broadway and literature):
Fiddler on the Vagina
West Side Vagina
Vaginapocalypse Now
Singin’ In The Vagina
Close Vaginas of the Third Kind
The Vaginas of Wrath
Un Vagina Andalou
The Discreet Vaginas of the Bourgeoisie
Monty Python and the Holy Vagina
The Vagina Thief
All Vaginas on the Western Front
OK Bruce, movies…
The dark vagina
Vagina driver
Gone with the vagina
Vagina now
Who’s Afraid of Virginia’s Vagina?
Vagina on a Hot Tin Roof (ouch!)
The Way of All Vaginas
Peter and the Vagina
James and the Giant Vagina
Charlie and the Chocolate Vagina
All’s Vagina that Ends Vagina
High Vagina
Educating Vagina
How to Succeed in Vaginas without Really Trying
Where the Vagina Roam
The Vagina Dozen
Wait, there’s more!
The Day the Vagina Stood Still
The Vagina of a Nation
With Six You Get Vagina
Sex and the Single Vagina
The Seventh Vagina
Days of Wine and Vaginas
On Her Vagina’s Secret Service
The Vaginas of Navarone
Opera, ballet, classical music:
Vagina Lake
The Vagina of Seville
The Vagina of the Nibelungs
The Magic Vagina
Vaginadämmerung
Three Vaginas in New England (sorry, Charles Ives)
Symphonie Vagtastique
Has to be said, this thread has slid down slippery slopes, plumbed depths, reached several peaks and bought both kudos, joy, hilarity and shame, both for those participating and reading. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m off looking for the non cigarette / vaping equivalent of a smoke.
Maybe you need the boost to the senses that only a Paltrow’s vagina-scented candle can bring, Rob.
Snort
Some very funny contributions here.
More movies:-
Blazing Vaginas
Little Vaginas
I vagina.
I kind of wanted to let the purity of “I vagina” speak for itself but I couldn’t ‘t resist “In vagina, no one can hear you scream”.
‘The Story of a Fierce Bad Vagina’. Beatrix Potter
‘Vagina’. Patrick Suskind.
I think that will do.
Fly By Vagina
By Tor and the Vagina
Caress of Vagina
A Farewell to Vaginas
La Villa Vaginato
Closer to the Vagina
The Spirit of Vagina
Vaginal Signs
RIP Neil Peart
bonus:
Working Vagina
This is a three-hanky thread.
British Films
Vaginas of Fire
My Beautiful Vagina
Bravevagina
Brief Vagina
The Third Vagina
Four Vaginas and a Funeral OR Four Weddings and a Vagina
Vagina, Actually
New Zealand
Lord of the Vaginas
Hunt for the Wildervaginas
Saving Private Vagina
The Maltese Vagina
Vagina on the Run
Vagina in the Sky with Diamonds
Jumpin’ Jack Vagina
Seven Brides for Seven Vaginas
Six Degrees of Vagina
And how about some children’s literature?
Wind in the Vaginas
Vagina in the Hat
Goodnight Vagina
The Vagina at Pooh Corner
What about the Hammer Horror classic, Vagina of Wax?
Got Flannery O’Connor’s Collected Works from the library. Not easy reading, but good titles.
A Good Vagina is Hard to Find
The Vagina You Save May Be Your Own
The Vaginas Bear It Away
A Late Encounter with the Vagina
Why Do the Vaginas Rage?
The Enduring Vagina
Good Country Vaginas
May the God I don’t believe in have mercy on the soul I don’t possess for even thinking this, but it’s just possible that the claim is true as advertised. How? Well, maybe they produce thousands of identical candles, all marketed as nothing more then scented candles (along with claims of benefits of a spiritual nature, of course), which sell for less than £58. But then, one in a thousand or-so candles gets the personal Paltrow touch (I don’t know why, maybe the wax makes inserting the jade eggs easier; maybe steaming just isn’t doing it for her anymore) to add that certain je ne sais quoi, the essential essence of Gwyn to compliment the absolute
bullshitcedar.Never mind a three-hanky thread, more like a three-pairs-of-Depends thread.