The moment when we stop

An exchange on Twitter has got me thinking about belief in the trans ideology, and whether I ever had any. I don’t think I did. From what I can remember, I didn’t believe in it, but I tried to prevent myself from really grasping how thoroughly I didn’t believe it. But maybe that’s not quite right – maybe I did grasp it but just pretended I didn’t. Basically, I lied about it, but what I’m not sure of is how aware of the lying I was.

The exchange:

My reply to that was “I didn’t so much accept it as do my best to steer around it. Until that day when it had grown too big to steer around.” Which I think is accurate as far as it goes, but what I’m not sure about now is how far I admitted to myself I was steering around it.

I do remember a few incidents of inner eye-rolling, of wanting to say something in dissent but not doing it, but what I don’t remember is how much that bothered me. I don’t remember if I thought I should challenge this bullshit because it is such bullshit, or repressed that thought instead.

That’s not interesting in itself (except maybe to me), but it is interesting in relation to the whole question of how do people who seem otherwise rational swallow this blatant fantasy-mongering? The fact that I steered around it for several years means I have some idea why other people don’t go all gender critical, but at the same time, the fact that there came a point where the steering terminally broke down makes me wonder who the hell engineered these people’s steering.

What broke my steering was whichever pharyngulite goon it was who told me to stop talking about abortion as a women’s issue. I remember the smoke coming out of my ears. I remember the crunch-snap when the steering mechanism broke right off. I said no and a mob of goons yelled at me and I sort of partly backed down, cowardly idiot that I was, but the “do you believe, yes or no?” followed swiftly (in hours? days? I don’t remember) and that was the end.

But the end should have been earlier. I should have stopped steering around it sooner. I don’t really remember the mental state that prevented me.

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