M&Ms in go-go boots

All this time I didn’t realize that Tucker Carlson has been ranting about the loss of sex appeal in M&Ms. I had no idea.

“America, let’s talk,” M&M’s began on social media on Monday. Later, “We have decided to take an indefinite pause from the spokescandies.”

What happened? And what is a spokescandy?

The former is easy to answer: Tucker Carlson. The Fox News host embarked on a crusade against the M&M’s the moment the treatmakers disgusted him last year by removing the green M&M’s much beloved go-go boots in favor of sensible sneakers: “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous,” he groused. “Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them.”

So Tucker Carlson does want to have a drink with an M&M? Or did before they underwent a wardrobe change?

I can see it now – the dim lighting, the groups of friends, the couples, the cigarette smoke, the bowls of peanuts, and Tucker Carlson at a table in the corner with…an M&M.

This vigorous rebuttal to the wokefication of sweets didn’t end there — [when] in a 2015 promotional image she was depicted with her hand on the brown M&M’s knee, Carlson worried that she “is now a lesbian, maybe?” And he decried the introduction of Purple, whom he described as “plus-sized” and “obese.” (She’s just a peanut M&M.)

So I guess he won’t be taking her to Bemelmans.

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